My second marriage became abusive on our honeymoon. We’d dated
for three years and I’d known him even longer. I left after eight
months and he started a 52-week domestic violence program. The best description
of what I had experienced came from him as part of his treatment program.
He wrote, “I would hold her hostage and terrorize her.”
I only told a handful of people the truth about my marriage. I have a
wonderful supportive family but I didn’t want to tell them all the
details; they just knew my husband was going through a domestic violence
treatment program. Since he was trying, my family and his encouraged me
to give him another chance. We reconciled four months later and I left
for good four months after that. By then, firearms were involved and I
feared for my life. I got help from the local domestic violence community
advocacy agency, went into hiding with my daughter and the judge granted
me a three-year restraining order.
I only told one person who was not a close friend or family member, my
physician. I became very ill during my marriage with chronic insomnia,
night sweats, arrhythmia and I developed positive markers for lupus. My
physician asked me how things were at home. Initially I told him my husband
had an “anger management problem.” I’ll never forget
the office visit when my physician said, “I’m concerned about
you – I’m afraid if your husband doesn’t kill you, the
stress will.” I didn’t leave my husband that day but the physician’s
words were part of what it took for me to finally leave. My health is
completely back to normal now.
A few months ago, I participated on a panel at the Kaiser Permanente
facility where I work. I told my story. The response has been so positive.
I have received half a dozen personal phone calls from physicians and
providers who were supportive and thanked me for sharing my story. I was
fearful that my colleagues would see me as less competent or less professional
if I disclosed that I had experienced domestic violence. Instead, the
opposite has happened – people have acknowledged my strength and
courage. I’m convinced that the internalized shame of being victimized
by someone you love and trust leads to the secrecy that allows the abuse
to continue. My hope is that by telling my story, others will be encouraged
to be more honest with themselves and others and get help.
42 year old
German, Welsh,
Caucasian female
Kaiser Permanente
Psychologist
