I spent 10 years with my husband. The abuse began slowly. At first, if I worried about him coming home late, he would accuse me of nagging him or being non-supportive. Questions were met with accusations. After repeated verbal assaults, I began to doubt myself and think it was normal for a spouse to blow-up. Out of fear, the children and I began to “tiptoe” around issues. We never knew what was coming next.

I had no access or control of his funds but he always had access to “mine.” He worked less, brought in less income and would see other women during the day while I worked. The affairs took their toll. I began to get bladder infections, one after another. I made repeated doctor appointments and took medication after medication.

Years went by before I realized what was happening to me was abuse. Emotional abuse is nearly impossible to prove. I didn’t have any bruises, incisions or broken bones to show. I’d wish I did so people would believe me. Most people supported my husband, who is well known and respected in the community. I weighed breaking up with him and the effect on my children, versus staying with him and its effect on my children, two very bad options.

One day my husband threw my son against a wall. I vowed he’d never do that again, but we continued to live together. As time went on, I objected more and more to his behavior. The more I objected to the way he treated us, the worse the abuse became and the worse the abuse, the more I objected. It was a terrible cycle. One night, without warning, he walked out. That was the turning point. My life as it was ended. I think we would still be together today if he hadn’t left us.

After we separated, he once tried to break into the house. He fled after I called the police. They suggested I get a restraining order. The next day I spent eight hours at the courthouse, only to be denied the restraining order by the judge. I had no hospital records or history of physical abuse.

Now we’re divorced and I feel healthier than I’ve ever been. My children are healthy and happy. It isn’t easy to leave a relationship. The complexity is overwhelming. I loved my husband with a passion and strength that is only surpassed by my love for my children. Now I realize that the man I loved was not real and what I saw in him was pure illusion. I wish I’d known this during our marriage. Perhaps the realization would have helped me reject the abuse from the start.

46 year old
Caucasian female
Kaiser Permanente
Nurse Practitioner