I met my ex-husband when I was 13. He was always
verbally and physically abusive but since he was the first person
I was ever involved with, I didn’t know any better. He didn’t
treat me with respect; he’d tell me, “Nobody wants you.
You’re fat. You are ugly.” His mother knew what was
going on but my family and friends never knew at the time. I always
had a good story when asked about my bruises and injuries. 
He began threatening to kill me. As the injuries got more and more
visible, including some that required surgery, I became more willing
to tell the truth when friends and co-workers asked what had happened.
What helped most was being able to talk to a family member who is
a therapist.
At some point I realized this relationship was not going to work
and I decided to leave. I was drawn to go back because of the children;
I didn’t want them to grow up in a broken home. But when I
thought about going back, my relative would remind me that he would
probably say he was sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again,
but then the violence and emotional abuse would start all over again
and would be even worse. He did all of the things that my relative
said he would. At one point, he even got down on his knees and cried,
begging for me to come back. But he was always in denial and never
took responsibility for his actions.
My work wasn’t really affected until the last year and a
half of the relationship when I was going through the divorce. At
that time, I was having a hard time concentrating on new projects
because I was so spaced out. I spoke to my boss who suggested counseling.
I sought help from many places – EAP, regular Kaiser Permanente
counseling and a support group.
I’m doing very well now. I’ve met someone else who
is the total opposite of my ex-husband. I am in a respectful relationship
and feel like an adult. We talk things out when there are issues
and neither of us yell or call each other names. He is very caring
and considerate of me.
I wish I had made the decision to leave my ex-husband years before.
As time has gone by since my divorce, I feel a lot better about
myself. I no longer believe the things my ex-husband used to say.
I hope others don’t take as long as I did to get out of a
relationship. The most important things that helped me through this
process were the passage of time and talking to friends.
30 year old
Asian American female
Kaiser Permanente Health Plan
Employee
