I was a battered woman for 12 years. How does that happen to a nice well-brought up girl from Walnut Creek?

I was married at 19 and a mother at 20. After I became pregnant, my husband began acting differently towards me. I felt ugly during my pregnancy and my husband reinforced this by making cruel remarks about how I looked. He was reluctant to be seen with me. I felt more vulnerable than ever before This was the beginning of the destruction of my confidence, which quickly resulted in my acceptance of substandard behavior from him.

From there, it was a short step down to mental cruelty, then emotional abuse, a slap followed by a punch. In between these behaviors there were the classic “honeymoon” periods typical of battered relationships. After he hit or punched me or tried to strangle me, he was penitent. There were fervent promises that it would never happen again, a plea for forgiveness and comments that I was a good wife and mother. So we would start over. Slowly the honeymoon would dissolve into a tense and fearful dance; he being surly and threatening over the smallest details and me walking on eggshells. I tried very hard to adhere to all his rules and to please him to avoid violent outbreaks. But that doesn’t work in the world of the batterer. If necessary, a batterer changes the rules so his victim is always kept off-balance and unsure of herself. I was always shocked when the punching or slapping or strangling occurred. I was always sure that I had been doing everything just right.

Eventually, we separated. He started seeing another woman, my best friend. I went to counseling, went on a diet and got a job. And yes, I took him back. I had changed a lot in the interim. I had taken my counseling to heart and regained my confidence. When the battering pattern started to reappear, I was prepared. I knew it had nothing to do with my “performance” or me. I knew that I did not deserve to be battered. I knew that it had everything to do with a sick and insecure man. It took me another six years to be able to say to myself, “I have tried everything to make this work. Now it is just making the whole family sick.” I took my child and left. That was 24 years ago. I have never regretted it.

Years later, I volunteered at the County Crisis and Suicide Prevention Hotline as a phone counselor. I spoke to countless people in crisis but I was best able to impart hope to the battered women. They would call the Battered Women’s Alternatives Hotline from gas station phone booths and neighbor’s homes, terrified and weeping. To these women I was able to provide first-hand information, share my story and encourage them to seek help and get counseling. This experience became the closing chapter in my own healing process.

54 year old
Caucasian female
Kaiser Permanente
Data Entry