I moved in with my girlfriend when I was 20 years old. I was oblivious
to any warning signs of abuse. I was too naïve and too in love. We
were together for seven years, all of which were abusive.
At the time, I didn’t really know what a lesbian relationship should
be like. She was controlling. I couldn’t see my friends, I had to
wear certain things and act a certain way, all the while trying to win
her approval. I was hit and threatened on a regular basis and no one knew.
I certainly wasn’t going to tell my family because I wanted them
to accept my partner. My friends never said anything. At one point, I
ended up in the ER needing stitches. The doctor looked at me funny when
I told him a champagne bottle had fallen on my head, but he never questioned
it. He thought the woman with me was just a friend. I am not sure my co-workers
believed me when I told them I tripped and fell a lot. I had an awful
lot of bruises to hide.
I began to free myself when a volunteer from the Marin Abused Women’s
Services (MAWS) came to my spirituality group. They had a simple questionnaire
asking about violence in your relationships. For the first time, I realized
that what was happening to me wasn’t healthy. I made a secret appointment
with them and started the process of getting out of the relationship.
My partner moved to take care of her sick mom and for the first time I
was living on my own. I realized that I really could survive without her.
I called her and told her I was ending the relationship. At the time,
it was the most difficult thing I had ever done. I found support at MAWS;
I attended support groups and eventually began volunteering. I healed
with a lot of therapy and support. I now have found someone who is loving
and supportive and encourages my growth.
I rarely think about it now. I stopped having flashbacks a few years
ago. I feel strong. I don’t allow others to take power over me.
At the time, the lesbian community rarely talked about domestic violence.
MAWS was one of the few agencies that even had services for lesbians.
Today, it is talked about more but we still have a way to go. Recently,
a woman I knew committed suicide in response to the violence in her relationship.
I can only hope that by telling my story, someone will realize that they
are not alone and support is available.
43 year old
White lesbian
Kaiser Permanente
Registered Nurse
