I'm getting
older. I'm physically slower; my reflexes are not what they used to
be. My eyes are worse, my hearing is diminished, my hair is graying,
my joints ache sometimes, and I'm not as quick or precise at remembering
as I once was. As great as the gradual changes in my physical performance
are, my personality changes are perhaps more significant. My type A,
aggressive personality has mellowed. Time has been a great teacher.
Experience has been a great teacher. Success and failure have taught
invaluable lessons.
Once quick
to argue, firm in my intellectual stances and convinced of the correctness
of my position, I'm different. After overwhelming others with "forceful"
arguments and later being proven wrong, "I know that I don't know
what I know." "Today's truth is tomorrow's error," is
a mantra. Tolerance of other viewpoints and intellectual stances has
evolved. Having made many thoughtless or careless mistakes myself, the
willingness to forgive has appeared. I try to lead by facilitation.
One doesn't need to have the answers as leader; but one must allow them
to come from others. Even when a solution seems obvious, it's good to
let someone else suggest it. When solutions come from the group rather
than from the leader, the solutions are more readily accepted.
Having
the brightest light in the fixture may unbalance the total illumination.
Historically impatient, a certain phlegmatism has evolved in me. Suppressing
colleagues when chairing a meeting causes serious conscious and subconscious
resentment. Once quick to rush to combat, I pick the battles that can
be won, avoiding the battles that will inevitably be lost. The wisdom
of the "win-win" scenario seems powerful. When you create
a loser, you fertilize the field of revolution. Sharing victory encourages
the growth of comradeship. Somehow the "team triumph" seems
to produce longer-lasting joy than the individual achievement. Whatever
team I have been associated with, the successes always seem to live
on in the members.
My youth's
compulsion to always be right has morphed to the acceptance of personal
fallibility. I am quick to apologize. Although cavalry Captain Nathan
Brittles in a John Wayne movie1 said "Never apologize,
Mister. It's a sign of weakness!" I don't ascribe to that belief.
Though
capable of inflicting pain, I do so most often inadvertently. When guilty,
I apologize profusely and sincerely and try to make amends. Earlier
in life, I lacked the courage to be wrong or to admit the error. There
was fear that either would diminish me. Time and pain have corrected
that misconception.
Without
wishing it, there is less sensitivity to others' feelings than I might
desire. I've learned to compensate by observation but understand that
observation is a poor substitute for true empathy. Having become more
sensitive to my own failings, I am better able to see when I'm tiresome
to others. I've seen my arrival put disappointment on faces. This has
made me willing to walk away rather than to inflict myself on others.
I am
quick with a complement when it is deserved. I am slower to criticize,
perhaps not as slow as I should be but better than I once was. After
a leadership course, I spent a lot of time distributing compliments
to colleagues. This was met with suspicion. I persevered. What once
was met with mistrust is now met with appreciation.
I've
learned to value friends and to mourn the acquisition of enemies. It
is said that one can never have enough friends but that one enemy is
too many. I adhere to that belief, though I remain too adept at antagonizing
others and producing animus.
Patience
has evolved. I have learned to plant the seeds of progress and fertilize
them for years until they are ready to germinate and grow. Sometimes
when they grow, no one remembers who did the planting. This omission
no longer bothers me, as the fruit of the progress feeds my hunger for
recognition. I accept both compliments and criticism with grace. Both
once embarrassed me, but that too has passed with advancing time.
I've learned
the value of communication. Missed communication, late communication,
inaccurate communication--these are root causes of many of the problems
we face daily. The ability to communicate truth and to avoid communicating
untruth must be constantly regenerated. We are constantly tempted by
the power of the lie. It is like the "power of the dark side."
I am as prone to "spin a tale" as the next person, but generally
succumb reluctantly and with remorse afterward.
All these
things and more contribute to my behavior. My personal evolution is
a daily ebb and flow of experience.
Why do
I do what I do when I do what I do? I do what I do when I do what I
do, because I am still learning.
Reference
- She
Wore a Yellow Ribbon. RKO/Warner Bros Video 1949.
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Author
information
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Calvin
Weisberger, MD, is Regional Coordinating Chief of Cardiology
for Southern California. He is co-author of the book Practical
Nuclear Cardiology. He has written other pieces in various
venues. E-mail: calvin.l.weisberger@kp.org
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