Book Reviews

It is a truism often attributed to Yogi Berra that "If you don't know where you're going, you'll wind up somewhere else." If you could determine where your son was headed, where would that be? What kind of man would you want him to become? What character traits do you value and hope to develop in your son--for his own sake and for the sake of the world? The Men They Will Become: The Nature and Nurture of Male Character spurs the reader to contemplate these questions.

And this questioning is no mere intellectual exercise: in the book, author Eli Newberger, MD, states that although some basic characteristics of temperament are in place early in a boy's life, parental influence and modeling are major factors in the development of his "character," a broadly inclusive collection of traits that mark the ways in which people make life decisions and comport themselves toward others.

The Men They Will Become discusses major developmental stages in the life of a boy from his infancy through late adolescence as well as the character challenges he is likely to meet at each stage. These challenges--and the way they are managed--further shape who the person will become. (Although supposedly addressing development of boys, most of the information contained in this book is equally applicable to girls.)

The male infant "develops fundamental attitudes about himself and his surroundings"^1:4 ie; develops trust or mistrust on the basis of whether his physical and emotional needs are met; and develops a capacity for intimacy on the basis of the attention he receives from caregivers. As a preschooler, the child's world enlarges and he must confront a new issue: conflict between his own interest and the rights of others. School-aged children confront issues of honesty and self-control as well as bullying and other forms of victimization. As adolescents, they encounter cheating, drug abuse, and problems of identity and friendship.

Under each of these rubrics, Dr Newberger weaves profiles and interviews of real boys, anecdotes, literary quotations, clinical studies, and his own insight as a pediatrician to illustrate how boys negotiate personal and social problems, resolution of which shapes the emerging man. The most successful boys--ie, those who possess admirable character traits and act accordingly--are those whose lives included parents or other significant adults who clearly communicated their expectations for the child's behavior; who discussed options for handling difficult situations; and who expected the children to live with the consequences of their actions. These children also were likely to have observed their parents in a situation where the parents modeled the behavior; in other words, the parents "practiced what they preached." For children with this type of adult support, even difficult situations were transformed into character-building opportunities with lasting positive value. The book contains practical tips on how to foster this type of relationship with a child and how to elicit dialogue with children of different ages to make them more receptive to discussing serious issues with their parents.

In striking contrast to the examples of successful parent-child character-building teamwork, the book also contains alarming illustrations of youthful character development that was seriously compromised by parents who sought to exempt their child or other family members from the consequences of the child's criminal behavior or other proscribed activities.

In an important chapter on teasing and bullying, Newberger discusses the serious harm caused to children by behaviors that, when committed by adults against adults, are normally handled by criminal or civil courts but which have long been treated as an inevitable part of childhood. In contrast to the "blind eye" treatment given by most schools to such behavior, the author reports that some schools now preemptively teach respect and empathy for children who are most likely to become victims of teasing and bullying; this preemptive teaching recasts teasing and bullying as "injuries to the community."^1:201 These programs are proving effective, a result that shows that children's inclination toward bad behavior can be tempered by effective adult intervention. In addition, instead of merely meting out punishment on an episodic and rules-oriented basis, educators who seek reasons for the bullying may help to "heal the offender as well as his target, and to reinforce the values of the community."^1:201

Newberger also argues convincingly that organized sports fail to qualify as the healthy form of "play" needed by boys and that these activities instead distort the very traits of "character" that sports are traditionally purported to engender in boys. Moreover, Newberger asserts, these activities have even led to the decline of "sportsmanship" throughout our society.

At one point in the book, Newberger concludes, "males get to this highest level of trustworthiness [or, it seems clear, to the highest level of any other positive character trait] by encountering someone who embodies it. It is a level of character that is much more effectively caught than taught."^1:299 This statement reminds parents and other concerned adults to comport themselves in ways they would like the next generation to reflect. After all, if we don't put effort into directing our sons, we shouldn't be surprised if they wind up somewhere else.

Reference

1. Newberger EH. The men they will become: the nature and nurture of male character. Reading (MA): Perseus Books; 1999.

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